starfleet: we’re glad you’re home
starfleet: we’ve been reviewing your records
janeway: k when is my promotion
starfleet: what makes you think you’re getting a promotion
janeway: my future self told me all about it when she broke the temporal prime directive and brought me stolen future technology
starfleet: yeah so in that vein there are some things we need to discuss
janeway: if there’s a problem with the paperwork blame chakotay
janeway: i don’t do forms i do holographic irish bartenders and former borg drones
doctor: i can assure you that while in the delta quadrant we conducted ourselves with grace and dignity according to the highest principles of starfleet
b’elanna: yeah step off our balls you weren’t there you don’t know
tom: yeah you weren’t there that time we stole a keg of omega molecules from some douchebag aliens who were going to blow up the quadrant
harry: or that time we played space nascar and ended up in the center of a terrorist plot
tom: or that time we were all super horny and built a fake irish city so that we could get drunk and laid
harry: or when we tied that guy to a chair and waited for the aliens to eat him because he wouldn’t tell us what we wanted to know
tom: oh shit remember that time i got 30 days for ignoring the wishes of some foreign government and destroying their mining operation
harry: that was almost as crazy as the time you restored that old shuttle but then it fell in love with you and tried to kill b’elanna
b’elanna: speaking of which remember when that bomb i made for the maquis came back and tried to kill us
chakotay: that reminds me of when seska stole my dna and tried to impregnate herself with my child
tom: nothing will ever compare to the time me and the captain had kids and left them on that planet
janeway: we were young and innocent then
tom: how many lizard years to a human year i feel like i should send a birthday card
janeway: like 6
tom: you don’t even know you’re just saying that
janeway: you should talk you’re such an absent father
tom: oh no you didn’t
janeway: i didn’t even want kids
starfleet: is there a reason you stenciled PARTY BUS on the side of voyager
janeway: is there a reason i shouldn’t have