The thing that is most disappointing about the Theramore event is the lack of story. If you did not read Tides of War,players do not know what the fuck is going on, they don’t know why Theramore was attacked or even who died during the battle. It doesn’t tell you that Rhonin died, or Jania was pushed into a portal. It doesn’t even explain what the focusing iris is, or how the Horde got it. And the Horde ending was a bit lame, Like Garrosh didn’t even show up, we didn’t even get to ride the Zeppelin with the bomb and get to flip off Theramore when it was dropped. Scenarios themselves are fun, I do like the set up of them and the way they work. Like why did Blizzard have to keep this scenario so hush hush? This sets the stag for MoP, and yeah its a good kick off point but they could have done more! It just seems Blizz was like “STORY!? WHAT STORY!? FUCK IT WE’LL DO IT LIVE!” Yes I do agree it is a bit silly to waste the resources right before MoP because the nature of MoP is different than any other expansion, I get that. Just they could have made it much bigger than it was. I do still have faith in Blizz, and in the WoW franchise, I just hope MoP redeems them, and I am still in love with this game and will never leave it.
I don’t agree on being totally in love with Blizz, and I’m losing faith quickly, but everything else you said is spot on.
You see Jaina in the Horde side, her hair is blonde, it isn’t explained why it went stark, and the focusing iris being there is definitely odd, the only explanation i have without the book’s knowledge is Kelecgos. Rhonin died and they could have made that a much bigger deal.
I am so disappointed and underwhelmed. I LIKE the idea of scenarios, but this lacked so much of everything it needed to be good.
And like I’ve explained before, the book description of saving Thalen Songweaver is thirty times more badass than the scenario. Possibly my biggest issue with Theramore is that they rewrote lore that was published THREE GOD DAMNED WEEKS AGO; lore that they gave the green light to while Theramore was in development and then decided to make significantly less awesome.
That being said, I never accept from a company as big as Blizzard that they “didn’t have the resources” to make something quality. Blizzard is one of the best-funded and best-staffed developers in the industry and there’s very little refuting that. However, with every expansion I’m less and less convinced any one of their writers has ever taken a writing class. Theramore was all exposition that led to absolutely nothing. It was just bad.
That being said, it wouldn’t have even been HARD to make Theramore good. Hell, I can make a good Theramore scenario right fucking now.
- Lay siege to the north gate of Theramore until Thalen Songweaver’s treachery is discovered and it’s weakened.
- Gate goes down, badass massive battle goes down between the Horde and the Alliance. Y’know, as we expected. You get to battle alongside fucking BAINE BLOODHOOF and VOL’JIN and RUNETOTEM and I GUESS HELLSCREAM (and THAT ASSHOLE MALKOROK). I’ve got a boner just thinking about it.
- When Songweaver is captured, either Hellscream or Malkorok give you and a band of some Horde folks orders to retrieve Songweaver and sabotage their aerial defenses.
- NATURALLY, EVERYONE BUT YOU THREE DIES IN THE ASSAULT. HAVE FUN STORMING THE CASTLE, ALONE. OH, AND BLOWING SHIT UP, ALONE.
- Save Songweaver, sabotage shit. Garrosh calls for a retreat. DOUGIE THE FUCK OUTTA THERE.
- Get out of Theramore. True to the novel, Baine, Vol’jin, and Runetotem are like “what the actual fuck are you doing?” Garrosh calls Baine a stupid beast and rouses the entire fandom’s anger before DROPPING A BOMB ON THERAMORE.
- Lore-accurate instance, hooray!
- Arrive in Theramore with the 7th Fleet and MOTHERFUCKING MARCUS JONATHAN, BECAUSE IN CASE YOU FORGOT HE’S A BAMF AND DIED FOR BLIZZARD’S SINS. Comes complete with /salute-ing action.
- Jaina chides your ass for being super late to the party. What a bitch. Whatever, man, joke will be on her when the Horde Hiroshima’s her massive sex dungeon or whatever.
- Thalen Songweaver weakens the door like a little bitch. Everyone hella mad because YOU HAD ONE FUCKING JOB THALEN, ONE FUCKING JOB.
- Horde crash through the North gate. You get the fun experience of trying to hold back the orcish horde for several waves, battling alongside heroes like SHANDRIS FUCKING FEATHERMOON (aka the only female Blizzard hasn’t managed to ruin), GENERAL MARCUS FUCKING JONATHAN, and VEREESA WINDRUNNER (not actually that exciting but I had to keep the caps lock motif). GET SOME FUCKING TISSUES AND WIPE UP THAT MESS YOU MADE.
- Eventually, the sheer amount of manly musk emanating from Marcus Jonathan overwhelms the Horde and they call a retreat. Technically speaking, you totally win the battle for Theramore. Pat yourselves on the back! Too bad the Horde saved Songweaver.
- Shandris Feathermoon, captain of badasses, declares that she’s going to hunt down that son of a bitch out in the woods right now. You know, with it full of Horde and everything. Do you think Shandris Feathermoon gives a damn about your Horde? She’ll kill every one of you with her thighs. Anyways, she invites you and your buddies to ride off into the woods, killing stragglers/scouts on your Thalenrapequest™.
- When you’re a safe distance away, Shandris is all like “shit don’t feel right, yo.” You all turn around and WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT, MANA BOMB FLYING TOWARDS THERAMORE. Shandris is incredibly upset because her “Tony Stark-tier badass” is still on CD, so she can’t just jetpack to the mana bomb and push it through a portal to Outland. Or New Jersey. Whichever portal costs less mana to cast.
- Cut to Theramore. Rhonin and Jaina Proudmoore are arguing over something inane- what nail polish is better or “did you steal my “firestarter” you weird ginger motherfucker?” Gross, Jaina. Anyways, Jaina says some really sappy stuff about Theramore being her hoooome and having to defeeeeend it!~*~ Rhonin tells her to stop being a stupid woman because women in WoW are stupid for not being SHANDRIS FEATHERMOON. I mean shit she has a stronghold named after her. Why Jaina didn’t dub her fucking kingdom Proudmooremore I don’t know. Maybe mages don’t like redundancy.
- Anyways, after intense arguing, Rhonin more or less last-second casts a portal to New Jersey/Outland/Not-Theramore and sort of kicks Jaina in right as the mana bomb is dropped. Queue cutscene of the mana bomb being weirdly redirected onto the top of Theramore Tower, somehow leaving little itty bits of Theramore lying around.
- Three days later or some shit, Jaina Proudmoore ports back to Theramore like any reasonable person would after a fucking nuclear blast. Her hair’s all white and there’s a badass voiceover about Garrosh getting more blood than he ever (or ever he) bargained for. Some poor orc guys are trashed and wandering the ruins, so Jaina Proudmoore melts the shit out of them. This cut scene should have so much gore and gratuitous violence that Blizzard kisses up to Activision to pay off the ESRB and let it go with a “T” warning.
- Oh and I guess she picks up some Theramore tabards to mail back to the players from the Theramore Hobby Lobby or some shit.
THERE. GIVE ME A GIG WORKING FOR FUCKING BLIZZARD.
b l e s s t h i s p o s t
HOLY FUCKIN SHIT THAT WOULDA BEEN BADASS
That would have been like ∞x better that WHAT WE ACTUALLY GOT.
Which is like 80x worse than the actual panda dungeons.