Walking around my neighborhood wearing my sick as fuck custom T-shirt that says “I STEAL EVERY FRIENDLY CAT I MEET WITH NO REMORSE I DO IT ALL THE TIME DON’T CALL IT A COMEBACK I BEEN HERE FOR YEARS KEEP THAT BEAST ENCLOSED LEST YE FACE MY LIGHTNING CAT GRASP” and smiling politely while my neighbors’ indoor-outdoor cats gently trot down the sidewalk towards me as the neighbors themselves read my shirt with a growing sense of panic.
Unfollow me for cat theft all you want. You’ll never catch me and you’ll never stop me. Those things are this season’s must-have lipgloss in an understaffed Sephora, and baby? I’m a middle-class teenage girl who’s not getting enough attention at home…
People in the notes keep saying, “This is just another reason you should keep your cats inside,” and I know they just mean the fact that someone in general could steal them, but I like to think they all mean that you gotta watch out for me specifically. Because you do. I’m everywhere. And I’m fast.