who wants to buy this book I will never get around to writing

Chapter 1: Haha Just Kidding, ADD Was Made Up By Pfizer. Anyway Unrelated I Am Uniquely Bad At Being Alive and No One Can Figure Out Why

Chapter 2: Where Did I Put That? Nope, It’s Gone

Chapter 3: Why Being Bored Is Literally The Same As Dying

Chapter 4: ADD And Your Love Life: Why Bother?

Chapter 5: A Short Story I Drew About A Little Rabbit Named Herbert Who Goes On Adventures

Chapter 6: I Don’t Have Time To Not Be Photoshopping

Chapter 7: You Interrupted Me in the Middle of Tetris And Other Reasons I’ll Be Making Your Life A Sulky Hell All Day 

Chapter 8: Where Can A Grown-Up Go to Scream? (Nowhere.)

Chapter 9: You Just Told Me Huge News About Your Life, but I Don’t Know What It Was Because There’s a TV in the Corner of This Bar

Chapter 10: I Would Love to Tell You Why I Am Crying, but I Already Forgot. It’s Just Happening Now

Chapter 11: Bankruptcy

Chapter 12: I Have Walked into This Room Five Times and Neglected to Address The Reason I Originally Did So Each Time

Chapter 13: Public Embarrassment: Is it Real?

Chapter 14: All the Facts I Learned When I Read Wikipedia for Five Hours Yesterday

Chapter 15: You’re Right, This Is Exactly The Same As When You Feel Sort of Unfocused Half An Hour Before You Leave Work

Chapter 16: Will My Employer Believe Me When I Let Them Know I Have a Learning Disability and Mental Illness or Will They Keep Assuming That I Don’t Care Enough About My Job To Listen to Instructions the First Time

Chapter 17: Thank God You’re Here to Argue With Me that I Don’t Have This Diagnosis Invented to Explain Why Small Children are Fidgety. Oh Good, You Have Examples of Times I was Productive and Calm

Chapter 18: That Was Hilarious, Please Tell Me More Stories of Times I Couldn’t Figure Out Something That Was Common Sense

Chapter 19: Goodnight Sweet Book I’ll Never Finish

Chapter 20: I Couldn’t Do It Right The First Time I Tried, Burn the Evidence 

Chapter 21: I Could Say Something, or I Could Say it in My Head Where No One Will Hear it if the Words or Syllables are in the Wrong Order, Assuming I’m Using The Correct Words At All Instead of Mismatching Them

Chapter 22: 5pm, Time For Breakfast

Chapter 23: Following Directions on a Piece of Paper. Just Kidding it’s Still Under The Pile on My Desk.

Chapter 24: “Just Do It” Well Fuck Why Didn’t I Think of That. Goddamn Genius Doctor Superman Over Here.

Chapter 25: People that Walk Around Without Gesturing to a Conversation Only They Are Having. How Do They Do It?


Chapter 26: This Book Is Too Long, Do You Actually Expect Me To Read All Of This

Chapter 27: Guess What I Did With My Free Day

Chapter 28: My Academic Career Is Falling Apart

Chapter 29: Why You Never Turn In Homework

Chapter 30: I Would Write Study Tips But I Literally Once Procrastinating Studying For Finals By Putting Sticky Tabs In My Math Book Instead Of Actually Studying

Chapter 31: Maintaining Relationships

Is Difficult

Chapter 32: Doesn’t Everybody Struggle With Basic Self Care?

Chapter 33: I feel thirsty; I think I’ll make a cup of tea.

Chapter 34: Why is there a cold cup of tea on the cupboard?

Every time…

Chapter 35: I Forgot What This Chapter Was Supposed To Be

Chapter 36: I Remembered Chapter 35′s Content but It’s Here Because I Don’t Have the Patience to Go Back And Change It

Chapter 37: This Hobby Would Be So Fun If I Ever Actually Did It Instead Of Impulse-Buying Things To Do It With

Chapter 38: I Covertly Stimmed (With My Hands in My Coat Pockets) So Dang Hard in a Crowded Mall That Three Hours Later My Knuckles Are Now Cracking Loudly And People Keep Commenting On It “Humorously” Yes I Know Snap Crackle Pop It Was Unfunny The Last Eight Times Too You Asslord


Chapter 40: [in lieu of a chapter title, here is prolonged incoherent banshee shrieking into a pillow because I got overstimulated and no one would leave me alone to decompress fffffuuuuuuuuu–]

Chapter 41: No I Am Not Self-Medicating With Booze But Your Smarmy Bullshit Invasive Prying Questions Are Making Me Wish I Was Because You Are Insufferable To The Sober

Chapter 42: The Seam Of My Sock Is Between My Toes and This Shirt Has An Itchy Tag And I Cannot Fix Either Thing Oh My God Oh My Fucking Jesus Christ Bring Me The Sweet Embrace of the Grave (also hey Douglas Adams) (also I hate socks)

Chapter 43: What do you mean I started this conversation in my head ad suddenly started talking in the middle of a word in the middle of a sentence? 

Chapter 44: I can totally draw, play this game, watch tv, pet the dog, cook at the same time. But I can’t read or type while listening to you talking to me. Please shush.