do you want to see a movie where you have no idea what is going on for the first forty-five minutes? jupiter ascending is the film for you! other highlights include:
- a ten minute long spaceship fight with no context or purpose, which destroys a city. “no one will remember” channing tatum growls as they leave the city, as if youtube does not exist
- “here’s a latke for you, bitch”
- someone using a menstrual pad as a bandage by slapping the sticky part onto the wound, leaving the actual blood-absorbing part just kind of…waving around
- actors chewing the scenery so hard i’m surprised beautifully over-constructed bits of space metal aren’t just falling out of their mouths
- a man trying to shoot thousands of bees in the middle of a cornfield
- a gun that makes dog noises. it barks. the gun barks.
- oedipus complexes so beautifully twisted and terrible that you will spend half the movie mouthing “oh my god” to yourself
- related to that, the climactic line of the movie is “i’m not your damn mother,” so take that as you will
- a breathtakingly gorgeous and complex universe used as a background for a romance between woman and a man. granted, the man is a wolf angel. but still.
- I CREATE LIVES……………….
- [whispers] and destroy them
no i’m sorry i have to keep going
- “bees can sense royalty”
- mila kunis having the powerful realization partway through that she is a furry, an epiphany that changes her life
- “i love dogs” she whispers, eyes wide
- SPACE BUREAUCRACY. A MONTAGE THAT IS JUST SPACE BUREAUCRACY. THEY FILL OUT SPACE FORMS. IN SPACE.
- “bees can sense royalty”
- channing tatum, shirtless in the void of space
- a room FILLED WITH CANDLES
soylent greennectar…….is…………….peeeeoplllle- “bees can sense royalty”
- sean bean’s apparent daughter, who shows up onscreen for a minute and a half, leaves to get supplies for dinner, and never comes back
- yeah sean bean is in this too i didn’t believe it either
- “bees can sense royalty”
- a space wedding. it’s just like an earth wedding. BUT IN SPACE
- mila kunis’ character’s name is jupiter
- yes i am dead serious about this
- she spends most of the movie falling
- they really should have called it “jupiter descending” because that’s all she does
- “bees can sense royalty”
All that repetition of how bees can sense royalty, and you leave out the fact that the bees were an alarm system set up by Sean Bean, who is part bee.