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The Ebon Blade Guide to Parenting

smith-hadeon:

smith-hadeon:

((SoA made me do it. And the gin.))

Written by Sir Gavriel Hayleigh, Knight of the Ebon Blade and scholar.

Unlife after life is hard on all of those who swear themselves to the Ebon Blade. While few recall – or care to – their previous lives, there are some among us who do find they retain connections to a life since departed. For many, this is siblings or parents who must adjust themselves to a new perception of their previously-known family member. Yet for a very rare few, it is discovered that progeny has been left behind in the world of the living.

As an undead creature of demonstrable power, the soldiers of the Ebon Blade face several unique challenges should they decide to return to parenthood after achieving free will. This brochure contains a short series of tips and tricks to keep in mind if you have decided to attempt this dangerous path.

– Children are, by their very nature, small and fragile. They are fond of physical affection such as hugs. You can discourage this behavior by cracking a few ribs the first time your child tries hugging you.

– Younger children ask many questions. The patience of the dead lends itself well to answering these, but once the questions devolve to a single word – “Why? – you will never be able to halt them. At the first “Why?” it is recommended that you respond with a simple Mind Freeze charm. It should last long enough for you to escape.

– Many children, especially the male ones, enjoy rough-housing. Ghouls make excellent playmates, but you must remember to command them not to gnaw on their toys. Ghouls respond poorly to being nibbled on.

– It is quite possible that despite your state of decomposition, the child of your loins will still see you as a lovable parent figure. Should you find such treatment tedious, have the child help you prepare a generous dose of bloodmeal. Explain to them how often you must need feed your internal parasites. Be certain to include graphic detail. All but the hardiest of children will be frightened away before you finish the mixture, allowing you to continue your unlife in peace.

– Ensure your child has adequate supervision at all times by appointing a higher-functioning geist to oversee their activities. Equip the geist with plenty of toys and art supplies such as stuffed bear cub corpses and vials of blood in varied colors – such as human red, draenei blue, and kaldorei purple.

Though few, these simple tips should help ensure your continuing sanity should you decide to attempt to return to the life you held before your death. While the author does not encourage such decisions, this information is provided in the hopes of easing the trials of fellow Ebon soldiers as they seek out new stations and opportunities in this bleak, post-vengeance world.

It was time to see this again.

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