Ever get hit with one of these? 

Wait staff deal with this shit CONSTANTLY. Scumbags leave them folded up on the table instead of leaving tips. The best part is how hypocritical it is—you know who gets the most excited about an unexpected $20 entering their life? THE STRUGGLING POOR. Oh so greedy!

“And I say unto you, go from this place and glue a silver coin to a paving-stone, that you may watch the lepers scramble to try and pick it up, in My mercy.” Douchebagelus 13:13

I was personally handed one of these at a mall when I was poor, struggling and drowning in depression. Some dude came up and just handed me $20, like God had personally sent him to help me out. I still feel stupid for thanking him as much as I did before I looked, and for just walking away in stunned shame when I realized I’d been pranked. O my tiny naive self, how I wish I were as much of a dick as I am now!

I haven’t seen this shit since then, but let me pass on to you my perfect Samaritan Shaming Strategy, for use anytime you ever find yourself in the same situation:

  1. Fake total wonderment and make sure your hands shake visibly when you accept the tract. Do not open it! Put it safely in your pocket as reverently as you can manage.
  2. Hug the stranger and thank him frantically. You don’t know who he is, but you know who sent him because you’ve been praying for help and now here he is! Bursting into tears is a good idea.
  3. It is your 5 year old son or daughter’s birthday (or maybe it’s closer to Christmas, whatever) and you couldn’t even afford to buy him/her new shoes.
  4. Tell the missionary you will remember his kindness and generosity forever.
  5. Leave as quickly as you can, knowing that you’ve just ruined the nice man’s day.

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