“One time my Nanny and the Gardener were having a heated argument in the car and he took her Queen tape out of the player and threw it out the window with rage and she looked him dead in the eyes and pulled out a second copy of that same tape and put it back in the player.”
Warlock becomes a stand up comedian when he grows up. He becomes the John Mulaney of his time. This is his equivalent of “one black coffee”.
I can totally envision Warlock’s version of the duck story!
One day when I was ten, the gardener comes into the house soaking wet and says, in that voice one usually reserves for toddlers or small animals, “Ah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!” And then Nanny yelled, “Ooh, ducklings!” To which the gardener replied, “Too old to be a duckling. Quack, quack.” And then walked into the kitchen. I think about that every goddamn day.
I can’t believe I never saw this until now. Headcanon accepted. This is beyond hilarious. Also….
I can’t believe this one was hidden in the replies.
“I love my family, or at the very least people would assume
so. People would think that growing up as a politician’s son would be easy, and
they are right. I got everything that I ever asked for, spending money the only
way Rick People could spend money.
“Dad! I want a Pony” Boom, Pony is at my feet
“Dad! I wanted it black” Boom. Done. Pony now looks like it
crawled out of the Black Lagoon.
“Dad! The Pony glared at me!” I get a bottle of glue the
next day. I was living the Rickie Rich lifestyle. I can have anything I want.
But the best part of growing up rich, the absolute best
part, was that we were able to afford our own nanny.
I love her so much but am goddamn terrified of her to this
day. I am a 28 year old man and I live in my own bodyweight of fear towards
her.
When I was 1 to when I was 11, we had a nanny in our house.
Her name is Nanny. If you call her anything else you will die. Somedays I think
that my parents made a Rumpelstiltskin Deal with her before I was born, where
instead of taking baby me she just moved in to our house to raid our fridge and
judge the world from lofty windows. This is just the first part of the mystery
of my nanny.
She dresses like she is preparing to go to a funeral. And
the difference between preparing to go and actually going is that they hadn’t
found the body yet. You know when friends say that they would kill someone for you?
Nanny would gut a cat if I wanted to play the violin that’s how hardcore she
was. She wore red sunglasses because her glare alone could turn anyone to
stone. If you squint hard enough you can actually see lasers coming out of her
eyes.
Now you need to remember, I lived with this woman for Ten
Years. Since I was a baby. This shit was normalized to me. While my parents
were in West Wing I was living in the Addams Family. Nanny loved me and raised
me and so what if she told me that I was going to lead Satan’s Army someday.
That’s just Nanny. But throughout all of this, I never truly understand how
terrifying she could be until I was 8 years old.
Picture this: a little 8 year old me, plump and trimmed with
baby fat, standing next to Mary Poppin’s evil twin. One day we were going out
for brunch so I can, and I’m quoting here “practice giving out orders when the
army of hell arrives”
I’m still waiting for them, just to let you know.
So we get inside Nanny’s car, an old Black 1933 Bently which
plays nothing but Queen music on cassettes.
I know this sounds fake, but she is a real person and not
some Baba Yaga who decided not to eat me.
As we were about to leave, Brother Francis ran out to us.
Francis was out gardener. He worked for us for as long as Nanny has, wears
suspenders and a sun hat, and I’m pretty sure he ran away from a monastery. He
walks up to Nanny and asks for a ride to the local gardening store for
supplies. So he gets in the front seat, I’m in the back, and all three of us
get on our way.
At 1000 miles per hour in a 55 zone.
Now I’m 8 years old. And no matter how cool your Nanny is,
you just don’t pay attention to boring adult stuff like meetings, or finances,
or traffic safety laws. So I’m lost in my own thoughts on how to direct my hell
army to build myself a waterpark.
I don’t know how long I zoned out because when I snapped
back in Nanny and Francis were arguing. Not in the pleasant passive aggressive
way that makes you rethink your life choices, but full on yelling. So we are
speeding down the road like death is chasing us. Bohemian Rhapsody is playing
on blast. Nanny and Francis screaming at each other. Sulfur filled the air, radiant
light pulsed menacing around us. Exactly how I imagined what parents fighting
would be like. Things came to a head right as Freddy was about to hit his last “For
Me!” because that was when this meek looking gardener snapped. Francis turns to
Nanny and screams “YOU’RE DRIVING TOO FAST!”
yanks the cassette out and pitches it out the window.
And then time stood still.
Have you ever been on a rollercoaster where at the top of
the first hill staring down you regret every decision you’ve ever made that led
you to this point? That was where we were all at.
Because there were three rules to Nanny’s Bently. Nanny
always drives. Nanny always drives fast. And Nanny always drives fast with
Freddy Mercury blaring down like her own personal angel.
This is all new uncharted territory for me. I’ve never seen
anyone even dare disrespect her angel and plan to live to tell the tale. I was
just watching in fascinated horror as this moment just searing into my mind.
Nanny’s looking directly at Francis, you can feel her eye’s
heat laser’s charging up. I was trying to think of reasons to tell my parents
why we don’t have a gardener anymore. Because even at 8 years old I know a
death marker when I’ve seen one and by the end of the trip I was expecting
Francis to be nothing but a smoldering piled of ash and a $15 hat.
She looks at him, and takes one hand off the wheel. Still
barreling down the road like a madman mind you. But it alright because time’s
frozen so we don’t hit anything. And with one hand, she reaches in front of him
to the glove compartment, gently pulls out another cassette tape, and places it
in the deck.
[pauses]
[sings] “FOR ME!!!!!”
We pull into the parking lot by the time Bohemian Rhapsody
ends and I have never looked at Nanny the same way ever again. Because anyone
who can play the exact same song on two different cassettes without missing a
beat is their own god and needs to be feared.”
-Warlock in his comedy special
OH MY GOD I’M CACKLING
That’s it. The “Warlock grows up to be John Mulaney” AU is the only AU I’m here for.
