the biggest lie, i think, the internet perpetuates about D&D is that a skinny little twink of a bard just needs to roll a nat 20 to seduce a dragon
like a dragon…a creature with more wealth and power than any other creature on the planet…a creature who is easily an 11/10 when they deign to take humanoid form…would look at your skinny little 8 STR half-elf Bard whose own father doesn’t even love them and go…yeah I’d like to fuck that
Counterpoint, my good man:
Dragonsfuck
Dragons fuck, clearly, but not just any joe blow schmoe with a big Charisma stat. If I’m Joseph J Dragon sitting on a small hill of gold and jewels I’m not gonna waste my time boning every monsterfucking tiefling twink with a lyre. I would have standards.
Counter-counterpoint: dragons are SUPER horny
Counter-counter-counterpoint: even if dragons are SUPERhorny they’ve got better prospects than spindly little bards!!!! They could be off fucking cloud giants or beholders or planetars!!!! They could be having sex with kraken in the middle of the ocean or fire giants in the mouth of an erupting volcano!
There is a wealth of sexual excess and opportunity available to dragons; so much that they do not need to be slumming it with an adventurer who hasn’t washed his ass in a month and a half and is probably covered in kobold blood by the time they get to the dragon’s lair!
Seriously!!!
I don’t care how many times you cast Charm Monster, the Elder Dragon who has probably slept with more princesses than there are princedoms is not going to bite! When you have bedded the most beautiful mortals on the Prime Material Plane on a pile of gold and jewelry you are not gonna be looking twice at any MOTHERFUCKEr who can’t at least True Polymorph to make things interesting
triple-counterpoint:
you’re right but please shut up you are actively ruining my 10 strength half-elf twink bard’s sexual prospects with this post
OP is right and they should say it
Actually…
As we can see from this most excellent chart, dragons can and will fuck anything. Even humans do not compare. The only species that can match dragons for horny-ness is, in fact, nymphs.
Therefore your twinky-ass lil bard has as good a chance as anyone. Go forth and thot your way through your DM’s carefully planned Big Bad encounter and
fuck the dragon.
I’m not even sure where I stand on this argument but I absolutely need to keep that chart for reference, so
That chart is not proof that a dragon would fuck anything and youre a charlatan for pretending it does!!!
That is a crossbreeding chart not a horny chart, and it says right on it that what it is tracking is the likelyhood that a union between two races would yield offspring. It is NOT saying that a dragon WILL fuck any of those creatures, just that doing so would result in a half-dragon child.
If anything this just proves siderealsandman’s point the dragon could have any creature or being under the sun so why the fuck would it ever settle for a shitty PC and their +1 light leather armor. What’s the bard gonna say?? You should fuck me because you techically can?? That bitch getting sauteed
OP IS CORRECT SORRY BUT THE TWINK BARD ISNT GETTING ANY DRAGON ASS
a dragon fucked a donkey in shrek, your argument is invalid
Don’t bring shrek into this
OH YEAH?? YOU WANNA DO THIS?? FINE
CLASS TRAITS OF A BARD: 1)
Your spells inspire and invigorate your allies – Donkey’s role in the film was to inspire and invigorate Shrek to begin his hero’s quest and keep him on his path 2)
You channel magical power through words and music – Doney never stopped talking or singing. That was his THING 3) Key abilities:
Charisma, Intelligence, Constitution – Do we even need to question this?? Charisma – he managed to convince a dragon to fuck him. He gave both Fiona and Shrek the pep-talk they needed to come to terms with their feelings. Intelligence – He’s COLOR BLIND and still managed to figure out the flowers Fiona asked for. Constitution – dude you saw the shit he managed to survive in that movie
CONCLUSION – SHREK IS A DND CAMPAIGN, DONKEY IS A BARD THAT SEDUCED THE DRAGON. NEVER QUESTION ME IN MY HOUSE AGAIN
People just getting angry because they can’t face facts that their bard has to actually work to get some BD dick and not just do the tabletop equivalent of ordering one off the website 👀
I have nothing to add to this but maniacal laughter.
